My throat hates me. My voice is gone. I don't know if it is Pharangitis (however you spell that) or laryngitis (can't spell that either) or maybe just a bad cold combined with yelling on the rollercoasters yesterday, but whatever it is, it got me good.
I've been feeling really lonely. And mad at the world. I just finished my prescription of those meds I was talking about earlier, so I now know for sure that it wasn't the drug's fault. Well, not all the drug's fault. Maybe that time of month is coming on. I hate being Moses (inside joke).
Today I went to my Grammy's house with my family. She has been very lonely as well. A chicken has kept getting into her yard, and just walks around in it all day. She thinks of it as her special pet. She loves that silly chicken so much.
When we got to her house, she was convinced that my dogs and the chicken could stay in the same yard, and possibly even be friends. I shouldn't have went ahead and put the dogs in there. It was the worse idea ever.
Jesse didn't notice the chicken at first, but when he did he started chasing it. In about ten seconds he had that chicken's neck in his mouth, grey feathers flying everywhere. My Grammy was yelling and the chicken was squawking and my dad was chasing the pair of animals, smacking the dog with a rolled up newspaper.
And there I was. Standing there, helpless to the drama unfolding out in the yard. I tried to call the dogs inside, but my voice had retreated to the farthest corner of my voice-box, never to come out again. Sigh...
The chicken was okay, physically. Maybe not emotionally, if chickens have emotions. Poor thing. I hope it's stupid enough to come back to my Grammy's yard and keep her company. I worry about my Grammy.
This next week is going to be busy, and most likely "Hell on Earth". I'm going to miss almost all my classes. And for what? So I can go visit a college. So I can go to a volleyball tournament. Both being excellent oppurtunities to brighten my future. What future...
AGH!!! I need to get out of this mind-set! Geez!! I'm so dependent on other people. And the worst part? I can't even talk to people. I'm dependent on people, but I can't talk to them. What's wrong with this picture? Haha, this entry is more stupid than normal. Shocking.
The sarcasm, the lonliness, the "something-gitis" in my throat. I hope it kills me.
I should go now. Goodnight world.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Like Everybody Else
Why can't I be like everyone else? I'm not like the other girls. I don't wear makeup, I don't use hairspray, I can't use tampons, I can't do anything right. And unlike other girls, I don't radiate confidence. And Tyson's wrong. I'm not one of the guys. I'm just a messed up girl, who relates better to guys than with my own sex. I'm not a lesbian, I promise. I just don't fit in. At all.
My history teacher is the only teacher who likes me (and makes me feel like I'm a normal height). My other teachers hate me. It doesn't matter if I do my homework and don't talk back and never ditch class. They hate me anyways. Everyone at school does. Why can't I be accepted for just being....me?
At the homecoming dance, I was one of the few people that wasn't drunk. I admit, the party life is tempting. It looks like fun. And when people are drunk, it doesn't matter who you are or what you're doing, you fit in. Because the music is high, and everyone has lost their heads. I want to lose my head. I want to forget everything...
See, I told you I was insecure.
My history teacher is the only teacher who likes me (and makes me feel like I'm a normal height). My other teachers hate me. It doesn't matter if I do my homework and don't talk back and never ditch class. They hate me anyways. Everyone at school does. Why can't I be accepted for just being....me?
At the homecoming dance, I was one of the few people that wasn't drunk. I admit, the party life is tempting. It looks like fun. And when people are drunk, it doesn't matter who you are or what you're doing, you fit in. Because the music is high, and everyone has lost their heads. I want to lose my head. I want to forget everything...
See, I told you I was insecure.
I can't breathe
This last month was wonderful. I had someone to talk to every minute of the day and to call "Sweetheart". But I had to let him go, and everything has gone back to the way it was before. Pointless, and lonely.
I didn't want to come back to this person. I wanted to keep feeling happy, and glowy, and like everything will turn out just fine, but I don't feel like that anymore. I feel like...my heart has stopped. Like the world has ended. Like I will never remember how to breathe again.
My mother, always blaming my depression and pitiful state as a side-effect from the different meds I take, even if it really isn't a side-effect. It's as if she can't accept that I'm like this because something is really wrong with me. She has to blame it on the drugs, because that can be fixed. I can't be fixed. "Quick quick, take the meds away. Then my baby will be all better." She's good at lying to herself.
So where do I go from here? I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to breathe. I can't breathe....
I didn't want to come back to this person. I wanted to keep feeling happy, and glowy, and like everything will turn out just fine, but I don't feel like that anymore. I feel like...my heart has stopped. Like the world has ended. Like I will never remember how to breathe again.
My mother, always blaming my depression and pitiful state as a side-effect from the different meds I take, even if it really isn't a side-effect. It's as if she can't accept that I'm like this because something is really wrong with me. She has to blame it on the drugs, because that can be fixed. I can't be fixed. "Quick quick, take the meds away. Then my baby will be all better." She's good at lying to herself.
So where do I go from here? I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to breathe. I can't breathe....
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Self-consciousness
I've been getting extremely self-conscious, whether it be my acne that comes every now and then, or my height. Lately I've been very conscious about my personality, and how people see me. I realize that I don't talk to people, and that people don't really talk to me. Here at school, I am an outsider. I have been an outsider since school began. I guess that isn't a bad thing. Why would I want to be like those other people? All they do is get drunk and knocked-up. Why should I envy that?
Dominic was calling me fat today. I know he might be just joking around, but it made me feel even more self-conscious. Maybe I really am fat. Have I looked in a mirror lately? I mean, I know I don't work out too much for volleyball, but...I don't know. Maybe I should just take a break from eating for a little while. I did it before, I can do it again.
I want to look good for my boyfriend. I know that our relationship isn't based on looks, at all, but...I still want to look good. I can tell he tries to look good for me. I need to try. I'm going to try.
Dominic was calling me fat today. I know he might be just joking around, but it made me feel even more self-conscious. Maybe I really am fat. Have I looked in a mirror lately? I mean, I know I don't work out too much for volleyball, but...I don't know. Maybe I should just take a break from eating for a little while. I did it before, I can do it again.
I want to look good for my boyfriend. I know that our relationship isn't based on looks, at all, but...I still want to look good. I can tell he tries to look good for me. I need to try. I'm going to try.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Help me please...
If you still read these, sigh...I need some help. Spiritually, I'm not doing good. I need some support. Justin, please help me... If you're there, please help me...
Friday, October 15, 2010
My Fan
Last Friday night was the homecoming dance. It wasn't formal, not even semi-formal. I wore a "semi-nice" top and some jeans. One of my friends did my hair and makeup (a lot of eye makeup). And then I went.
The thing is about my school's dances are, no one knows how to dance. We just do whatever feels right, and hope it looks good.
Most of the time they played Mexican music. The thing about that style of music is that all the songs have the same time signature, and usually the same key signature. Plus, I don't know Spanish. So all the songs sound exactly the same. The whole time, it felt like it was just a really long song, even though it must have been at least five.
It was easy to get by, just stepping back and forth with the beat, and moving my body as natural as I could. Sometimes I'd put my hand above my head and circle around, or I'd put a hand in my hair and just shake my hips. I know I'm not a good dancer, but anyone could see that I was no worse than everyone else. Most of the time we just danced in a circle, spinning eachother around occasionally.
There was a point where everyone just broke off into couples. All of a sudden I found myself face to face with TJ, a senior, who was also partnerless at the moment. He took my hand and began to dance, and soon I was spinning helplessly in circles. It felt good. I let it all loose. What did I have to lose? I stopped holding back and really danced. And he liked it. I'd never felt sexy before, but I did now. And it felt good.
About a minute later, I let go of his hand and all of us just started dancing in a circle again. When the Mexican music stopped, I went to the water fountain for a quick break. Soon after, all my excitement was gone. Any energy I had felt before had been sucked out. I went home.
Last night, I saw TJ again. Sort of.
It was the home volleyball game against our rival team. My team made quite the entrance, complete with strobe lights and a paper banner to run through that said "We'll tear you up too!". Dan turned the gym lights off for us, and the red light from the digital clock and the strobe lights had a good effect as we ran through the paper, hyped up with adrenaline.
We warmed up, the game started, and away we went. I played front row only, which makes sense. Back row is okay, but front row is my forte. The front row is my fortress.
When I sat on the bench, I waited, ready for my turn to get back in and kick butt. My game was ON. I blocked and I spiked and I slammed that ball down in their arrogant faces. Any weakness, any defiance of gravity was gone. I was flying.
TJ shouted out my name a couple times. He only did it while I was on the bench, or maybe he did it the whole time, but I was just so focused when I was in the game that I didn't notice.
"Number 7!" Sigh....Good thing my boyfriend wasn't there. Well, according to my parents, "Just a good friend". My teammates would laugh and nudge me, "Ooo, Anne has a fan!" Sure, TJ is cute. But I don't need a fan.
"Paalllmmerrr!" I finally said, "I'm just on the bench Stupid!" But I won't deny, I was secretly flattered. But my good feelings vanished soon after. We lost the game.
As we neared the bitter end, I started to scratch at my arm and wrist. It's times like this that I want to cut, but my nails just aren't sharp enough. However, I left some good marks on myself, and that was all I could ask for. It would have drawn too much attention if I had actually started bleeding.
Back in the locker room after the game, everyone cried. I kicked the wall as hard as I could a couple times. My toes throbbed, but I didn't care. It was just so disappointing. But I lived, and I'll keep living, with a fan or not.
The thing is about my school's dances are, no one knows how to dance. We just do whatever feels right, and hope it looks good.
Most of the time they played Mexican music. The thing about that style of music is that all the songs have the same time signature, and usually the same key signature. Plus, I don't know Spanish. So all the songs sound exactly the same. The whole time, it felt like it was just a really long song, even though it must have been at least five.
It was easy to get by, just stepping back and forth with the beat, and moving my body as natural as I could. Sometimes I'd put my hand above my head and circle around, or I'd put a hand in my hair and just shake my hips. I know I'm not a good dancer, but anyone could see that I was no worse than everyone else. Most of the time we just danced in a circle, spinning eachother around occasionally.
There was a point where everyone just broke off into couples. All of a sudden I found myself face to face with TJ, a senior, who was also partnerless at the moment. He took my hand and began to dance, and soon I was spinning helplessly in circles. It felt good. I let it all loose. What did I have to lose? I stopped holding back and really danced. And he liked it. I'd never felt sexy before, but I did now. And it felt good.
About a minute later, I let go of his hand and all of us just started dancing in a circle again. When the Mexican music stopped, I went to the water fountain for a quick break. Soon after, all my excitement was gone. Any energy I had felt before had been sucked out. I went home.
Last night, I saw TJ again. Sort of.
It was the home volleyball game against our rival team. My team made quite the entrance, complete with strobe lights and a paper banner to run through that said "We'll tear you up too!". Dan turned the gym lights off for us, and the red light from the digital clock and the strobe lights had a good effect as we ran through the paper, hyped up with adrenaline.
We warmed up, the game started, and away we went. I played front row only, which makes sense. Back row is okay, but front row is my forte. The front row is my fortress.
When I sat on the bench, I waited, ready for my turn to get back in and kick butt. My game was ON. I blocked and I spiked and I slammed that ball down in their arrogant faces. Any weakness, any defiance of gravity was gone. I was flying.
TJ shouted out my name a couple times. He only did it while I was on the bench, or maybe he did it the whole time, but I was just so focused when I was in the game that I didn't notice.
"Number 7!" Sigh....Good thing my boyfriend wasn't there. Well, according to my parents, "Just a good friend". My teammates would laugh and nudge me, "Ooo, Anne has a fan!" Sure, TJ is cute. But I don't need a fan.
"Paalllmmerrr!" I finally said, "I'm just on the bench Stupid!" But I won't deny, I was secretly flattered. But my good feelings vanished soon after. We lost the game.
As we neared the bitter end, I started to scratch at my arm and wrist. It's times like this that I want to cut, but my nails just aren't sharp enough. However, I left some good marks on myself, and that was all I could ask for. It would have drawn too much attention if I had actually started bleeding.
Back in the locker room after the game, everyone cried. I kicked the wall as hard as I could a couple times. My toes throbbed, but I didn't care. It was just so disappointing. But I lived, and I'll keep living, with a fan or not.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Left Turns
This morning my mom and I got coffee, and headed to the school. As she was pulling out onto the highway, she didn't see the blue car zipping past. I cried out and braced myself for the impact, but my mom slammed on the brake and the lady in the other car swerved away and kept going.
My mom was a little upset.
She kept apologizing for scaring me, and how my great-grandma had a wreck like that and never took a left turn again, and bla bla bla.
When it comes to driving, I'm a little bit more...nervous than others. I have fun when Batman and I go cruising and he speeds over speedbumps, but that's because no one else is around. I'm a little bit more fidgety otherwise...
My mom was a little upset.
She kept apologizing for scaring me, and how my great-grandma had a wreck like that and never took a left turn again, and bla bla bla.
When it comes to driving, I'm a little bit more...nervous than others. I have fun when Batman and I go cruising and he speeds over speedbumps, but that's because no one else is around. I'm a little bit more fidgety otherwise...
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Deep Breaths
My life is a swirling kaleidoscope of emotion. Maybe, because my emotions control me, or because I am human. Whatever the case, I often find myself wondering how I got to be this way, and why certain things upset me so much...
There's a house by the Catholic church that I pass two or three times a day. There isn't really anyway to avoid it, unless you're comfortable with going out of your way to get somewhere. Every Halloween, this house is covered in decorations symbolizing satan and terror.
This year, the residents seemed keen on creating the most elaborate display of blood, pain, and suffering. Dismembered hands and feet hang from cords, bodies lie on gurneys and skeletons hang on bloodstained walls. A headless corpse is running over a person with a lawn mower. The legs stick out and move up and down, flailing, trying to get away from the pain. Dead bodies are strewn about the driveway, left carelessly; Satan's way of saying LET THEM BLEED.
The rest of the yard is much the same way. I don't want to inspect it any further. When I look at the terrible things in that yard...I get upset. I hate Satan. I hate demons. How could someone like it...How can people celebrate this? It's so awful...
As for other things happening in my life: my relationship is going good. We feel more comfortable around eachother now. I snuck in a hug last night when my youth group leader wasn't looking. Despite the fact that this relationship is so secretive, I don't find it difficult. We'll make it known when we are ready to.
This week is that time of month, and I've been finding myself more emotional about everything. When people don't call me back, or don't keep their word, I've been getting extremely angry. I threw a pen at someone, just because I felt so stressed and he wouldn't listen to me.
I need to take a big breath and relax. Note to self: "Don't get so upset."
There's a house by the Catholic church that I pass two or three times a day. There isn't really anyway to avoid it, unless you're comfortable with going out of your way to get somewhere. Every Halloween, this house is covered in decorations symbolizing satan and terror.
This year, the residents seemed keen on creating the most elaborate display of blood, pain, and suffering. Dismembered hands and feet hang from cords, bodies lie on gurneys and skeletons hang on bloodstained walls. A headless corpse is running over a person with a lawn mower. The legs stick out and move up and down, flailing, trying to get away from the pain. Dead bodies are strewn about the driveway, left carelessly; Satan's way of saying LET THEM BLEED.
The rest of the yard is much the same way. I don't want to inspect it any further. When I look at the terrible things in that yard...I get upset. I hate Satan. I hate demons. How could someone like it...How can people celebrate this? It's so awful...
As for other things happening in my life: my relationship is going good. We feel more comfortable around eachother now. I snuck in a hug last night when my youth group leader wasn't looking. Despite the fact that this relationship is so secretive, I don't find it difficult. We'll make it known when we are ready to.
This week is that time of month, and I've been finding myself more emotional about everything. When people don't call me back, or don't keep their word, I've been getting extremely angry. I threw a pen at someone, just because I felt so stressed and he wouldn't listen to me.
I need to take a big breath and relax. Note to self: "Don't get so upset."
Friday, October 1, 2010
Priorites
I feel confused.
My "friend" dropped out of school today. I don't understand. He was the one being harassed. Shouldn't the bullies be kicked out?
Notice, I put the word "friend" in quotes. He's one of those people who pretends to be your best friend for a few weeks and then realizes that there's nothing else he can get out of you, so he leaves.
Oh well, I guess that's just what I get for being stupid.
But he's gone now, so in a way, that's one less thing for me to worry about. I wish I didn't miss him.
So much has changed. I found my Batman. There's quite an age difference, but I don't care. I need someone. And now I have someone.
I feel a neverending ache of guilt. Why do I yearn for material love when God is there? Why have I shoved him away, into some dark corner of my heart? I need him. Will a relationship with someone else make that need weaker? Why can't I set good priorities? Why am I so terrible?
Every text message from Batman brings me a sense of joy. Sigh...why can't I feel that way about God.....
Dear God,
I know I am a hypocrite. I know my relationship with you isn't where it should be. Please help me to focus on you, and to want you the most. I'm so distracted by the world, that I forget. Don't let me forget.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
My "friend" dropped out of school today. I don't understand. He was the one being harassed. Shouldn't the bullies be kicked out?
Notice, I put the word "friend" in quotes. He's one of those people who pretends to be your best friend for a few weeks and then realizes that there's nothing else he can get out of you, so he leaves.
Oh well, I guess that's just what I get for being stupid.
But he's gone now, so in a way, that's one less thing for me to worry about. I wish I didn't miss him.
So much has changed. I found my Batman. There's quite an age difference, but I don't care. I need someone. And now I have someone.
I feel a neverending ache of guilt. Why do I yearn for material love when God is there? Why have I shoved him away, into some dark corner of my heart? I need him. Will a relationship with someone else make that need weaker? Why can't I set good priorities? Why am I so terrible?
Every text message from Batman brings me a sense of joy. Sigh...why can't I feel that way about God.....
Dear God,
I know I am a hypocrite. I know my relationship with you isn't where it should be. Please help me to focus on you, and to want you the most. I'm so distracted by the world, that I forget. Don't let me forget.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
Say Yes
He likes me.
I really like him.
I love his family.
He's a christian.
I want to be loved.
Dad, please say yes...
I really like him.
I love his family.
He's a christian.
I want to be loved.
Dad, please say yes...
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