I don't know what to title this...

Life is tough. And sometimes it seems like you are at the end of your rope. You have no more strength left. You just want to lie down and give in. I need God. I know I need God. I don't know what it is, it just hasn't clicked for me yet. I'm a pastor's kid, and so I guess you would think that I have a pretty good relationship with God. But the truth is, I don't know him at all. All my life, this relationship with God has been forced on me, and I don't know if I ever made that decision for myself or if my parents made it for me. All I know is that I feel so lost. I know that he's there, I just can't...I don't know...I can't grasp this. That God loves me. It just seems kind of bizarre, I mean come on, who could ever love me? A couple summers ago, I saw one of my best friend's cars totaled by a semi. I thought she was dead and I knew that if she had just gone to Hell it was my fault, because I didn't share the gospel with her. But really, I don't understand the gospel. I've heard it over and over again, but I just...agh!!I feel so freakin useless! My life has no point. At all. And it hurts so bad. That moment when the car was there and then all of sudden it was torn apart, the guilt was too much. I was paralyzed. If she had died I would have killed myself. Sigh...I'm kind of morbid aren't I? Talking about death all the time. I'm sorry...