I had been slouched on the seat, hiding from the others. They were in the back of the bus, playing some sort of dare game. They made Holli put a bra on her head, Christa yell something inappropriate out the window, Paula eat a booger, and Amber moon everyone on the road. They were having a good time, embarassing eachother and recording every minute of it on their cellphones. I didn't care to participate. In fact, I dreaded it. I just wasn't in the mood to make a fool of myself.
I gave a sigh of relief when we reached our destination. Miami High School.
Their students were just barely getting out of school, so we waited on the bus. Coach Denny took this oppurtunity to give us an inspirational pep talk. Sometimes it seems like she should have been some sort of politician, not a volleyball coach.
She asked us what we do if we knew we could not fail.
One said, find a cure for cancer. Another said, get everyone to believe Jesus. Someone else said, win American Idol. I chose not to answer.
The first thing that came to mind was telling everyone about Jesus. But the second was suicide. I don't understand how my mind can work like this, coming up with two answers that are complete opposites.
What would happen if I knew I could not fail? Would I kill myself? I've never belonged in this world. I've never felt comfortable here. This is not my home. Life is more like being on a very long mission trip, telling people about Jesus, going through hardships, but never feeling at home.
But how I long to go home! Sometimes I can't believe how selfish I am, wanting something that would destroy my family. What a selfish person I am...
What am I really afraid of? Living? If I knew I could not fail at being happy, would I try? Or would I end all of this nonsense right now?
I'm going to try to do the right thing. After all, how can 80 years of suffering compare with an eternity in Heaven? Maybe a lifetime isn't as long as I thought.
No comments:
Post a Comment