On My Mind...

Today is Friday, and I'm going to be "hanging out" with some friends. By "hanging out" I mean my sister and her friend talking about college while I sit there being bored. Who cares if your dorm has a damn oven?

Hiding

During prom-making, I opened the new exact-o-knife box. When I tore it open, all the extra blades fell out, ringing against the floor. A boy from my class laughed and joked, "Look! It's emo heaven." Something about that comment got to me. I took a blade and slid it in my wallet, just in case I needed it.

Last night, I finally used it. I used it on my arm, because it always feels better on the arm. Only con: It's really hard to hide. And, well, I guess it made me feel more sad and small than I already did.

So today, I'm wearing my pretty, salmon-pink shirt over a black cami. The pink shirt has semi-long sleeves, which is why I chose it. I feel like Mulan, constantly pulling down her sleeve to cover up the Chinese notes she wrote down to help her with her meeting with the Matchmaker.

Except I'm not Mulan. And I'm not hiding notes to cheat on a test. I'm hiding my insecurity and shame. Melodramatic perhaps, but truth.

Letting Go

My fears of counseling and needles always stopped me from getting help. Even just the idea of telling all my secrets to a person I don't know throws me into a panic and a depression all of its own. But how can I not get help now... He hates me. He hates me because I'm sad. He's been waiting for me to get better, but I can't. I can't get better. The walls of insanity and depression are closing in, and trying to get better makes the walls close in faster.

I went to counseling yesterday. It was uncomfortable and awkward, which is exactly how I thought it would be, if not worse. I had been planning to talk about the cutting and the starving myself in a professional, controlled way. But that's not how it went down. What happened was me crying about feeling alone and abandoned when my best friend fell in love with my sister.

Pathetic.

I have another counseling session today. In about half an hour, actually. Pray for me.

Reality Ever-After

Once upon a time there was a tall lanky girl that lived in the middle of nowhere. She went to high school where she stressed about not being smart or pretty enough, and where she was used. She slowly wasted away into nothing, waiting for Prince Charming to come sweep her away.

But he never came.