It's Friday

It's Friday. I wish I had a reason to get out of bed.

Who cares that it's Friday? I still have to go to school, I still have to go to basketball practice, and I won't even see my friends today. What point is there?

Tomorrow, I want to see them. I don't care what we do, I just want to be with them.

I don't feel so good. I kinda got beat up in practice yesterday, scrimmaging against the guys. But at the same time, I beat them up too. So I guess we're even. An eye for an eye. A tooth for a tooth.

The guy who guarded me, was guarding REALLY close. I don't know what it is about a strong arm behind my back, it's comforting. Last week at practice, I was falling backwards, and one of the boys caught me. And here it is again. A strong arm. Behind my back.

I know that shouldn't feel that good to me. I know that these random boys shouldn't make me feel so good. But I'm 16 and full of hormones. Any touch gives me goosebumps.

Basketball Season

This season.

Basketball season makes me very tired, which makes me very stressed, which makes me very irritable and depressed, which makes my friendships suffer.

I slept tons last night, a whole 8 and a half hours. That's almost twice as much as I usually get. Yet I'm still exhausted.

Yesterday basketball practice wasn't so bad. We warmed up and stretched and did some suicides. Then we did layups and shooting. After that, my coach sent me down to the other gym to play with the guys so I could learn some post position techniques.

I like playing with the guys. It was a little awkward at first, and really hard compared to the girl's practice, but I liked it. First thing I learned is that I need to work on my upper body strength, because I don't have very much compared to the guys. I mean sure, I can beat Dom at arm-wrestling, but this is different.

So, this further proves my theory: I relate better to guys than my own sex. I have a long way to go "basketball-wise" but I think I can do it. I think I can....I think I can....said the little engine that could.

Basketball is alright. I just hope that it doesn't ruin my friendships by making me an irritable person. Sigh...

College day was good. I'm not very good at talking to people I don't know, but I did better than I thought I would.

It helped that there were people there I already knew. It made me feel like I was part of the "network" already. A friend of mine I worked with this summer was there. So was my sister. She's the one who introduced me to all her friends. It feels like old times, when I got all my friends through my sister. I don't know if I like that. I wish I didn't need help making friends. It makes me feel....pitiful.

Still, it was fun. The atmosphere is really nice. I'm a public school kid, so I'm used to guys who are complete perves and girls that are complete skanks. So the Christian environment of this college was really nice. Guys were gentleman. Girls were ladies. I'm not really used to that environment. I wish I could be in it all the time.

So anyways, that was college day. There's a lot more I could say, but I don't feel good, so I'm going to say goodbye.

Goodbye.

Apathy

I'm doing better. Maybe.

It's funny, how on Sundays I feel so great, and then the next day at school, everything goes back to apathy. Everything goes back to, "I hate life" and "Whatever, just kill me now". I wish I was strong and secure. Not like this...

My youth leader said that this last month when I was dating Batman, that I was so happy. That I was glowing. She told me that I need to feel that way from being with Christ, not a boyfriend. And for once in my life, I'm going to swallow my pride and say it. Yes, she is right. She's right! I said it.

So what now?

The Chicken

My throat hates me. My voice is gone. I don't know if it is Pharangitis (however you spell that) or laryngitis (can't spell that either) or maybe just a bad cold combined with yelling on the rollercoasters yesterday, but whatever it is, it got me good.

I've been feeling really lonely. And mad at the world. I just finished my prescription of those meds I was talking about earlier, so I now know for sure that it wasn't the drug's fault. Well, not all the drug's fault. Maybe that time of month is coming on. I hate being Moses (inside joke).

Today I went to my Grammy's house with my family. She has been very lonely as well. A chicken has kept getting into her yard, and just walks around in it all day. She thinks of it as her special pet. She loves that silly chicken so much.

When we got to her house, she was convinced that my dogs and the chicken could stay in the same yard, and possibly even be friends. I shouldn't have went ahead and put the dogs in there. It was the worse idea ever.

Jesse didn't notice the chicken at first, but when he did he started chasing it. In about ten seconds he had that chicken's neck in his mouth, grey feathers flying everywhere. My Grammy was yelling and the chicken was squawking and my dad was chasing the pair of animals, smacking the dog with a rolled up newspaper.

And there I was. Standing there, helpless to the drama unfolding out in the yard. I tried to call the dogs inside, but my voice had retreated to the farthest corner of my voice-box, never to come out again. Sigh...

The chicken was okay, physically. Maybe not emotionally, if chickens have emotions. Poor thing. I hope it's stupid enough to come back to my Grammy's yard and keep her company. I worry about my Grammy.

This next week is going to be busy, and most likely "Hell on Earth". I'm going to miss almost all my classes. And for what? So I can go visit a college. So I can go to a volleyball tournament. Both being excellent oppurtunities to brighten my future. What future...

AGH!!! I need to get out of this mind-set! Geez!! I'm so dependent on other people. And the worst part? I can't even talk to people. I'm dependent on people, but I can't talk to them. What's wrong with this picture? Haha, this entry is more stupid than normal. Shocking.

The sarcasm, the lonliness, the "something-gitis" in my throat. I hope it kills me.

I should go now. Goodnight world.

Like Everybody Else

Why can't I be like everyone else? I'm not like the other girls. I don't wear makeup, I don't use hairspray, I can't use tampons, I can't do anything right. And unlike other girls, I don't radiate confidence. And Tyson's wrong. I'm not one of the guys. I'm just a messed up girl, who relates better to guys than with my own sex. I'm not a lesbian, I promise. I just don't fit in. At all.

My history teacher is the only teacher who likes me (and makes me feel like I'm a normal height). My other teachers hate me. It doesn't matter if I do my homework and don't talk back and never ditch class. They hate me anyways. Everyone at school does. Why can't I be accepted for just being....me?

At the homecoming dance, I was one of the few people that wasn't drunk. I admit, the party life is tempting. It looks like fun. And when people are drunk, it doesn't matter who you are or what you're doing, you fit in. Because the music is high, and everyone has lost their heads. I want to lose my head. I want to forget everything...

See, I told you I was insecure.

I can't breathe

This last month was wonderful. I had someone to talk to every minute of the day and to call "Sweetheart". But I had to let him go, and everything has gone back to the way it was before. Pointless, and lonely.

I didn't want to come back to this person. I wanted to keep feeling happy, and glowy, and like everything will turn out just fine, but I don't feel like that anymore. I feel like...my heart has stopped. Like the world has ended. Like I will never remember how to breathe again.

My mother, always blaming my depression and pitiful state as a side-effect from the different meds I take, even if it really isn't a side-effect. It's as if she can't accept that I'm like this because something is really wrong with me. She has to blame it on the drugs, because that can be fixed. I can't be fixed. "Quick quick, take the meds away. Then my baby will be all better." She's good at lying to herself.

So where do I go from here? I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to breathe. I can't breathe....