True Beginning

So now I have a laptop. Mwahaha. I can blog every single day. Look out cyber-world, here I come. Hm...So this blog is officially a blog. No more 'once-a-month' ridiculousness. This time it is for real. Obviously, this post isn't that real. But from now on, I promise to deliver. Cross my heart.

Hope to die.

It's amazing how much more ominous that line looks when it is removed from the rest of the text. Watch...Hope to die. See? It's just not the same.

Pictures, short stories, recipes for fondant... It will be here. I will launch it into the endless void of my disaster blog, I promise. Don't worry little endless void demons. You will know how to make fondant shortly. Cross my heart.

Hope to die.

Goodnight little endless void demons.

On My Mind...

Today is Friday, and I'm going to be "hanging out" with some friends. By "hanging out" I mean my sister and her friend talking about college while I sit there being bored. Who cares if your dorm has a damn oven?

Hiding

During prom-making, I opened the new exact-o-knife box. When I tore it open, all the extra blades fell out, ringing against the floor. A boy from my class laughed and joked, "Look! It's emo heaven." Something about that comment got to me. I took a blade and slid it in my wallet, just in case I needed it.

Last night, I finally used it. I used it on my arm, because it always feels better on the arm. Only con: It's really hard to hide. And, well, I guess it made me feel more sad and small than I already did.

So today, I'm wearing my pretty, salmon-pink shirt over a black cami. The pink shirt has semi-long sleeves, which is why I chose it. I feel like Mulan, constantly pulling down her sleeve to cover up the Chinese notes she wrote down to help her with her meeting with the Matchmaker.

Except I'm not Mulan. And I'm not hiding notes to cheat on a test. I'm hiding my insecurity and shame. Melodramatic perhaps, but truth.

Letting Go

My fears of counseling and needles always stopped me from getting help. Even just the idea of telling all my secrets to a person I don't know throws me into a panic and a depression all of its own. But how can I not get help now... He hates me. He hates me because I'm sad. He's been waiting for me to get better, but I can't. I can't get better. The walls of insanity and depression are closing in, and trying to get better makes the walls close in faster.

I went to counseling yesterday. It was uncomfortable and awkward, which is exactly how I thought it would be, if not worse. I had been planning to talk about the cutting and the starving myself in a professional, controlled way. But that's not how it went down. What happened was me crying about feeling alone and abandoned when my best friend fell in love with my sister.

Pathetic.

I have another counseling session today. In about half an hour, actually. Pray for me.

Reality Ever-After

Once upon a time there was a tall lanky girl that lived in the middle of nowhere. She went to high school where she stressed about not being smart or pretty enough, and where she was used. She slowly wasted away into nothing, waiting for Prince Charming to come sweep her away.

But he never came.

The Prom Dream

Prom. You dress up. You take pictures. You dance. You go home.

That's basically all I thought prom was, and that's really all it is. BUT, if there's a romantic, handsome, popular senior to ask you to prom over the school intercom during the morning announcements, than maybe it will be more than a formal sockhop.

I'm one of those people who isn't unpopular, but not very popular either. I can fade into the background pretty easily, so the past few days have been interesting.

The morning announcements came on same as every morning. Then TJ came on and asked me to prom. Of course I said yes. It was the topic of conversation the rest of the day. Everyone in the student body talked about it to me, mutilating my "fade-into-the-background" routine. Everyone acted like he had asked me to marry him. The girl doing the morning announcements started to cry as she finished with announcing what was for lunch. "Sob...sob...sob...meatloaf."

I feel really happy. I have a big poofy prom dress and a hot date. One of my friends was asked to prom over a text, which looked even more extremely lame next to my dramatic, public invitation.

I was going to go laser-tagging with some friends for our annual "anti-prom". I hope they aren't pissed that I'm ditching them. They can get over it.

My best friend has been acting like he wants some space, so maybe going to something fun without me would do him some good.

Either way, all the girls are envious of me for getting the ultimate prom dream. We'll see how this sock-hop turns out.

I'll Be Fine

Breathe in, breathe out. Another day begins.
Same as yesterday. But perhaps, this one will be different.
I close my eyes and soak in the sunlight from the desert sky.

It's an emotional high. I'm feeling good. I feel like this whole day is mine.
I'm not the same. Thing's can change. I hear Hope calling my name.
And she says...I'll be fine.