I've been getting extremely self-conscious, whether it be my acne that comes every now and then, or my height. Lately I've been very conscious about my personality, and how people see me. I realize that I don't talk to people, and that people don't really talk to me. Here at school, I am an outsider. I have been an outsider since school began. I guess that isn't a bad thing. Why would I want to be like those other people? All they do is get drunk and knocked-up. Why should I envy that?
Dominic was calling me fat today. I know he might be just joking around, but it made me feel even more self-conscious. Maybe I really am fat. Have I looked in a mirror lately? I mean, I know I don't work out too much for volleyball, but...I don't know. Maybe I should just take a break from eating for a little while. I did it before, I can do it again.
I want to look good for my boyfriend. I know that our relationship isn't based on looks, at all, but...I still want to look good. I can tell he tries to look good for me. I need to try. I'm going to try.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Help me please...
If you still read these, sigh...I need some help. Spiritually, I'm not doing good. I need some support. Justin, please help me... If you're there, please help me...
Friday, October 15, 2010
My Fan
Last Friday night was the homecoming dance. It wasn't formal, not even semi-formal. I wore a "semi-nice" top and some jeans. One of my friends did my hair and makeup (a lot of eye makeup). And then I went.
The thing is about my school's dances are, no one knows how to dance. We just do whatever feels right, and hope it looks good.
Most of the time they played Mexican music. The thing about that style of music is that all the songs have the same time signature, and usually the same key signature. Plus, I don't know Spanish. So all the songs sound exactly the same. The whole time, it felt like it was just a really long song, even though it must have been at least five.
It was easy to get by, just stepping back and forth with the beat, and moving my body as natural as I could. Sometimes I'd put my hand above my head and circle around, or I'd put a hand in my hair and just shake my hips. I know I'm not a good dancer, but anyone could see that I was no worse than everyone else. Most of the time we just danced in a circle, spinning eachother around occasionally.
There was a point where everyone just broke off into couples. All of a sudden I found myself face to face with TJ, a senior, who was also partnerless at the moment. He took my hand and began to dance, and soon I was spinning helplessly in circles. It felt good. I let it all loose. What did I have to lose? I stopped holding back and really danced. And he liked it. I'd never felt sexy before, but I did now. And it felt good.
About a minute later, I let go of his hand and all of us just started dancing in a circle again. When the Mexican music stopped, I went to the water fountain for a quick break. Soon after, all my excitement was gone. Any energy I had felt before had been sucked out. I went home.
Last night, I saw TJ again. Sort of.
It was the home volleyball game against our rival team. My team made quite the entrance, complete with strobe lights and a paper banner to run through that said "We'll tear you up too!". Dan turned the gym lights off for us, and the red light from the digital clock and the strobe lights had a good effect as we ran through the paper, hyped up with adrenaline.
We warmed up, the game started, and away we went. I played front row only, which makes sense. Back row is okay, but front row is my forte. The front row is my fortress.
When I sat on the bench, I waited, ready for my turn to get back in and kick butt. My game was ON. I blocked and I spiked and I slammed that ball down in their arrogant faces. Any weakness, any defiance of gravity was gone. I was flying.
TJ shouted out my name a couple times. He only did it while I was on the bench, or maybe he did it the whole time, but I was just so focused when I was in the game that I didn't notice.
"Number 7!" Sigh....Good thing my boyfriend wasn't there. Well, according to my parents, "Just a good friend". My teammates would laugh and nudge me, "Ooo, Anne has a fan!" Sure, TJ is cute. But I don't need a fan.
"Paalllmmerrr!" I finally said, "I'm just on the bench Stupid!" But I won't deny, I was secretly flattered. But my good feelings vanished soon after. We lost the game.
As we neared the bitter end, I started to scratch at my arm and wrist. It's times like this that I want to cut, but my nails just aren't sharp enough. However, I left some good marks on myself, and that was all I could ask for. It would have drawn too much attention if I had actually started bleeding.
Back in the locker room after the game, everyone cried. I kicked the wall as hard as I could a couple times. My toes throbbed, but I didn't care. It was just so disappointing. But I lived, and I'll keep living, with a fan or not.
The thing is about my school's dances are, no one knows how to dance. We just do whatever feels right, and hope it looks good.
Most of the time they played Mexican music. The thing about that style of music is that all the songs have the same time signature, and usually the same key signature. Plus, I don't know Spanish. So all the songs sound exactly the same. The whole time, it felt like it was just a really long song, even though it must have been at least five.
It was easy to get by, just stepping back and forth with the beat, and moving my body as natural as I could. Sometimes I'd put my hand above my head and circle around, or I'd put a hand in my hair and just shake my hips. I know I'm not a good dancer, but anyone could see that I was no worse than everyone else. Most of the time we just danced in a circle, spinning eachother around occasionally.
There was a point where everyone just broke off into couples. All of a sudden I found myself face to face with TJ, a senior, who was also partnerless at the moment. He took my hand and began to dance, and soon I was spinning helplessly in circles. It felt good. I let it all loose. What did I have to lose? I stopped holding back and really danced. And he liked it. I'd never felt sexy before, but I did now. And it felt good.
About a minute later, I let go of his hand and all of us just started dancing in a circle again. When the Mexican music stopped, I went to the water fountain for a quick break. Soon after, all my excitement was gone. Any energy I had felt before had been sucked out. I went home.
Last night, I saw TJ again. Sort of.
It was the home volleyball game against our rival team. My team made quite the entrance, complete with strobe lights and a paper banner to run through that said "We'll tear you up too!". Dan turned the gym lights off for us, and the red light from the digital clock and the strobe lights had a good effect as we ran through the paper, hyped up with adrenaline.
We warmed up, the game started, and away we went. I played front row only, which makes sense. Back row is okay, but front row is my forte. The front row is my fortress.
When I sat on the bench, I waited, ready for my turn to get back in and kick butt. My game was ON. I blocked and I spiked and I slammed that ball down in their arrogant faces. Any weakness, any defiance of gravity was gone. I was flying.
TJ shouted out my name a couple times. He only did it while I was on the bench, or maybe he did it the whole time, but I was just so focused when I was in the game that I didn't notice.
"Number 7!" Sigh....Good thing my boyfriend wasn't there. Well, according to my parents, "Just a good friend". My teammates would laugh and nudge me, "Ooo, Anne has a fan!" Sure, TJ is cute. But I don't need a fan.
"Paalllmmerrr!" I finally said, "I'm just on the bench Stupid!" But I won't deny, I was secretly flattered. But my good feelings vanished soon after. We lost the game.
As we neared the bitter end, I started to scratch at my arm and wrist. It's times like this that I want to cut, but my nails just aren't sharp enough. However, I left some good marks on myself, and that was all I could ask for. It would have drawn too much attention if I had actually started bleeding.
Back in the locker room after the game, everyone cried. I kicked the wall as hard as I could a couple times. My toes throbbed, but I didn't care. It was just so disappointing. But I lived, and I'll keep living, with a fan or not.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Left Turns
This morning my mom and I got coffee, and headed to the school. As she was pulling out onto the highway, she didn't see the blue car zipping past. I cried out and braced myself for the impact, but my mom slammed on the brake and the lady in the other car swerved away and kept going.
My mom was a little upset.
She kept apologizing for scaring me, and how my great-grandma had a wreck like that and never took a left turn again, and bla bla bla.
When it comes to driving, I'm a little bit more...nervous than others. I have fun when Batman and I go cruising and he speeds over speedbumps, but that's because no one else is around. I'm a little bit more fidgety otherwise...
My mom was a little upset.
She kept apologizing for scaring me, and how my great-grandma had a wreck like that and never took a left turn again, and bla bla bla.
When it comes to driving, I'm a little bit more...nervous than others. I have fun when Batman and I go cruising and he speeds over speedbumps, but that's because no one else is around. I'm a little bit more fidgety otherwise...
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Deep Breaths
My life is a swirling kaleidoscope of emotion. Maybe, because my emotions control me, or because I am human. Whatever the case, I often find myself wondering how I got to be this way, and why certain things upset me so much...
There's a house by the Catholic church that I pass two or three times a day. There isn't really anyway to avoid it, unless you're comfortable with going out of your way to get somewhere. Every Halloween, this house is covered in decorations symbolizing satan and terror.
This year, the residents seemed keen on creating the most elaborate display of blood, pain, and suffering. Dismembered hands and feet hang from cords, bodies lie on gurneys and skeletons hang on bloodstained walls. A headless corpse is running over a person with a lawn mower. The legs stick out and move up and down, flailing, trying to get away from the pain. Dead bodies are strewn about the driveway, left carelessly; Satan's way of saying LET THEM BLEED.
The rest of the yard is much the same way. I don't want to inspect it any further. When I look at the terrible things in that yard...I get upset. I hate Satan. I hate demons. How could someone like it...How can people celebrate this? It's so awful...
As for other things happening in my life: my relationship is going good. We feel more comfortable around eachother now. I snuck in a hug last night when my youth group leader wasn't looking. Despite the fact that this relationship is so secretive, I don't find it difficult. We'll make it known when we are ready to.
This week is that time of month, and I've been finding myself more emotional about everything. When people don't call me back, or don't keep their word, I've been getting extremely angry. I threw a pen at someone, just because I felt so stressed and he wouldn't listen to me.
I need to take a big breath and relax. Note to self: "Don't get so upset."
There's a house by the Catholic church that I pass two or three times a day. There isn't really anyway to avoid it, unless you're comfortable with going out of your way to get somewhere. Every Halloween, this house is covered in decorations symbolizing satan and terror.
This year, the residents seemed keen on creating the most elaborate display of blood, pain, and suffering. Dismembered hands and feet hang from cords, bodies lie on gurneys and skeletons hang on bloodstained walls. A headless corpse is running over a person with a lawn mower. The legs stick out and move up and down, flailing, trying to get away from the pain. Dead bodies are strewn about the driveway, left carelessly; Satan's way of saying LET THEM BLEED.
The rest of the yard is much the same way. I don't want to inspect it any further. When I look at the terrible things in that yard...I get upset. I hate Satan. I hate demons. How could someone like it...How can people celebrate this? It's so awful...
As for other things happening in my life: my relationship is going good. We feel more comfortable around eachother now. I snuck in a hug last night when my youth group leader wasn't looking. Despite the fact that this relationship is so secretive, I don't find it difficult. We'll make it known when we are ready to.
This week is that time of month, and I've been finding myself more emotional about everything. When people don't call me back, or don't keep their word, I've been getting extremely angry. I threw a pen at someone, just because I felt so stressed and he wouldn't listen to me.
I need to take a big breath and relax. Note to self: "Don't get so upset."
Friday, October 1, 2010
Priorites
I feel confused.
My "friend" dropped out of school today. I don't understand. He was the one being harassed. Shouldn't the bullies be kicked out?
Notice, I put the word "friend" in quotes. He's one of those people who pretends to be your best friend for a few weeks and then realizes that there's nothing else he can get out of you, so he leaves.
Oh well, I guess that's just what I get for being stupid.
But he's gone now, so in a way, that's one less thing for me to worry about. I wish I didn't miss him.
So much has changed. I found my Batman. There's quite an age difference, but I don't care. I need someone. And now I have someone.
I feel a neverending ache of guilt. Why do I yearn for material love when God is there? Why have I shoved him away, into some dark corner of my heart? I need him. Will a relationship with someone else make that need weaker? Why can't I set good priorities? Why am I so terrible?
Every text message from Batman brings me a sense of joy. Sigh...why can't I feel that way about God.....
Dear God,
I know I am a hypocrite. I know my relationship with you isn't where it should be. Please help me to focus on you, and to want you the most. I'm so distracted by the world, that I forget. Don't let me forget.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
My "friend" dropped out of school today. I don't understand. He was the one being harassed. Shouldn't the bullies be kicked out?
Notice, I put the word "friend" in quotes. He's one of those people who pretends to be your best friend for a few weeks and then realizes that there's nothing else he can get out of you, so he leaves.
Oh well, I guess that's just what I get for being stupid.
But he's gone now, so in a way, that's one less thing for me to worry about. I wish I didn't miss him.
So much has changed. I found my Batman. There's quite an age difference, but I don't care. I need someone. And now I have someone.
I feel a neverending ache of guilt. Why do I yearn for material love when God is there? Why have I shoved him away, into some dark corner of my heart? I need him. Will a relationship with someone else make that need weaker? Why can't I set good priorities? Why am I so terrible?
Every text message from Batman brings me a sense of joy. Sigh...why can't I feel that way about God.....
Dear God,
I know I am a hypocrite. I know my relationship with you isn't where it should be. Please help me to focus on you, and to want you the most. I'm so distracted by the world, that I forget. Don't let me forget.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
Say Yes
He likes me.
I really like him.
I love his family.
He's a christian.
I want to be loved.
Dad, please say yes...
I really like him.
I love his family.
He's a christian.
I want to be loved.
Dad, please say yes...
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