Life presently

Time is flying by. Last year, each day dragged on slowly. But now, it's all I can do to keep the days here in one place. Sometimes I want to take the day and pin it down to the ground to keep it from flying away, so I have time to blink my eyes before it's gone. Is it because I've lost a friend, or because I've gained so many more?
I feel comfortable with who I am. Playing volleyball, I can fit in. I can do whatever they can do. And they're nice to me. Really nice to me. At school, I can be myself. My sister isn't here to determine who I am. I determine who I am. I determine who I want to be. Her opinion doesn't matter when she is 100 miles away.
There are a lot of things that tear down on me, but those things don't seem to matter as much anymore. One of those things is the fact that I don't pray or read my Bible as much as I used to. It's awful. I know I need to, but it's like I never have time. It's very frustrating. Another, arguments and drama have broken a friendship that I once deemed to be my "life-line". But it's gone now, like dust in the wind. I haven't seen him in one and a half weeks, not to mention that he thinks I'm a fake. I miss him, but somehow I'm fine. Maybe because I know he won't read this, and because he doesn't miss me back. There's only one person he misses.
Band is hard. With this new director, I've realized how much I need to learn. Apparently, my tone is horrible. I memorize all my music to perfection. But it doesn't matter to her, because it sounds terrible. Because I'm terrible. It's a small comfort to know that I am way ahead of everyone else (That gives you a good description of our band).
Overall, everything is fine. Emotions in check. Attitude in check. Grades....not so in check. I'll have to work on that one haha....

Things that make me sad

1. Satan
2. Arguments
3. Broken relationships
4. The sadness of those I love
5. Drama
6. Death
7. My emotions

Things that give me joy

1. God's grace
2. Imagining Heaven
3. Playing the piano
4. Friends
5. Family
6. Knowing that everything will be okay.

School...

Today is the first day of school. Ugh...

It's not going as bad as I thought it would go, but this is how it usually works for me.

First day = ok

Second day = awful

Rest of the year = goes downhill from second day

Dominic and I have the exact same schedule. I haven't figured out yet whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. I'm guessing it's a good thing, because at least I have someone to talk to all day.

Torn to Shreds

Do you remember that diary that I talked about in my earlier entries? Well, I let the friend who gave it to me, read it. He flipped out. Couldn't even finish it. So a couple days later I took my diary and ripped each individual page out and crumpled it. Every heartfelt page I had written, I tore out of that book with a wave of hurt rage.

It had taken me over three months to fill it up, and it took me under ten minutes to destroy. It's silly really (haha, that rhymed), how one little thing like a friend wimping out when you try to tell them your feelings, can influence what you do about it.

I've stopped writing down my feelings. Every diary I write ends up being destroyed because it's so awful and depressing, naturally you just want to burn it. And suprisingly, I'm doing a lot better. Maybe because I'm not writing down and dwelling on everything in my life that causes me pain, it's easier to just forget about it. I just hope that I don't explode from holding in all this emotion. Crying in front of people is scarring and embarassing. I guess you could call it my phobia.....

Tragedy

I'm learning more and more that to trust in people is like inviting Jeffrey Dahmer into your house. People are not dependable. People let you down. People hurt you.

I've decided to put all of my trust in God. ALL OF IT. I used to depend on friendship to keep my head above the water, but I've been drowning too long. God is my rock, and He is the only one who can hold me up. No friendship can save me. So why should I care if I have any friends, or what people think of me? They don't know me. Only God knows me. And only God can help me when tragedy strikes me. Me and my family.

My grandma died last week. I know that she wouldn't have wanted me to cry, but I couldn't help it. None of us could.....
She had been on an oxygen tank for a long time, so we weren't exactly suprised. But when it happened, everyone still felt broken. Especially my grandpa.

Growing up, I always have seen my grandpa as the big guy who always laughs and cracks lame jokes and talks about baseball with my little brother. But when my grandma died, everything changed....

That sunday, when we went to his house, his grief was written all over his face. For the first half hour there, I sat on the couch with him and held his hand as he struggled not to cry. Seeing him in so much pain broke my heart. I'd be suprised if he ever laughed or smiled again, after seeing him the way he was this past week....

My grandma was a great lady. She was always perky and happy and looked out for everyone first, even when she wasn't feeling good herself. She always made these instant mashed potatoes when we came over because she was convinced that we all absolutely loved them.

I remember when I was little, I stayed with them for a week ( probably because of a procedure my sickly sister was getting done). They took me to a children's museum, and they took me to Ferr's everyday for lunch, because I loved it so much.

But the memory that sticks out to me the most is when my grandma took me to an ice skating rink that week. She sat up on the bleacher seats and cheered me on as I slowly made my way around the rink around and around and around. Eventually I got faster, and soon I was zipping around on the ice. After a while I was the only one left on the ice. I remember how I lost balance coming around a turn, and fell down hard. I started crying, and then I saw my grandma run out onto the ice. She picked me up, and took me home, where she scooped me up some ice cream. Soon, I had forgotten all about my sore leg.

I remember the last time I saw her. My sister and I had just spent the night there. The night before we had played an exciting game of hearts with my grandparents, my aunt, and my cousins. The next morning when we left, I hugged grandpa, and then I hugged grandma. And then we left. That was it. I don't even remember if I told her that I loved her, that last time I saw her. I just assumed that I would see her again. But it's over. She took her oxygen mask off that night in the living room, and that's where my grandpa found her the next morning. She was gone......

Aww man, I don't want to start crying again. I should just go now.

Amazing Phil

I stayed up til 2 last night. I felt so crappy I needed to watch some AmazingPhil videos on youtube to cheer me up. He's a great videoblogger, and I'd recommend watching his episodes to anyone. And everyone.

The thing is, I just realized that he looked a lot like Richard back when he didn't dye his hair black, which is kind of weird, since I have a strange kind of crush on this Phil guy. He's funny and cute and from what I can see, he's a great guy. I've watched almost all his videos dating back to three years ago when he had just started. There's so much boy drama in my life. So I pretend I have a relationship with Phil. It's my way of coping.

In a few days I'm going to go to Prescott Pines Camp to work for the rest of the summer. I'm nervous. I'll be with Marie. But I don't know anyone else up there. Well, I know someone else, but apparently he's some perve. But I'm going to ignore those rumors for now. The people who warned me to stay away from him have all abandoned me, so why should I believe anything they say? Exactly.

I hate school. It hasn't even started yet and I'm already dreading it. Sigh...I don't want to elaborate.

There's so much to say, but I don't feel like talking anymore. Goodbye.