Torn to Shreds

Do you remember that diary that I talked about in my earlier entries? Well, I let the friend who gave it to me, read it. He flipped out. Couldn't even finish it. So a couple days later I took my diary and ripped each individual page out and crumpled it. Every heartfelt page I had written, I tore out of that book with a wave of hurt rage.

It had taken me over three months to fill it up, and it took me under ten minutes to destroy. It's silly really (haha, that rhymed), how one little thing like a friend wimping out when you try to tell them your feelings, can influence what you do about it.

I've stopped writing down my feelings. Every diary I write ends up being destroyed because it's so awful and depressing, naturally you just want to burn it. And suprisingly, I'm doing a lot better. Maybe because I'm not writing down and dwelling on everything in my life that causes me pain, it's easier to just forget about it. I just hope that I don't explode from holding in all this emotion. Crying in front of people is scarring and embarassing. I guess you could call it my phobia.....

Tragedy

I'm learning more and more that to trust in people is like inviting Jeffrey Dahmer into your house. People are not dependable. People let you down. People hurt you.

I've decided to put all of my trust in God. ALL OF IT. I used to depend on friendship to keep my head above the water, but I've been drowning too long. God is my rock, and He is the only one who can hold me up. No friendship can save me. So why should I care if I have any friends, or what people think of me? They don't know me. Only God knows me. And only God can help me when tragedy strikes me. Me and my family.

My grandma died last week. I know that she wouldn't have wanted me to cry, but I couldn't help it. None of us could.....
She had been on an oxygen tank for a long time, so we weren't exactly suprised. But when it happened, everyone still felt broken. Especially my grandpa.

Growing up, I always have seen my grandpa as the big guy who always laughs and cracks lame jokes and talks about baseball with my little brother. But when my grandma died, everything changed....

That sunday, when we went to his house, his grief was written all over his face. For the first half hour there, I sat on the couch with him and held his hand as he struggled not to cry. Seeing him in so much pain broke my heart. I'd be suprised if he ever laughed or smiled again, after seeing him the way he was this past week....

My grandma was a great lady. She was always perky and happy and looked out for everyone first, even when she wasn't feeling good herself. She always made these instant mashed potatoes when we came over because she was convinced that we all absolutely loved them.

I remember when I was little, I stayed with them for a week ( probably because of a procedure my sickly sister was getting done). They took me to a children's museum, and they took me to Ferr's everyday for lunch, because I loved it so much.

But the memory that sticks out to me the most is when my grandma took me to an ice skating rink that week. She sat up on the bleacher seats and cheered me on as I slowly made my way around the rink around and around and around. Eventually I got faster, and soon I was zipping around on the ice. After a while I was the only one left on the ice. I remember how I lost balance coming around a turn, and fell down hard. I started crying, and then I saw my grandma run out onto the ice. She picked me up, and took me home, where she scooped me up some ice cream. Soon, I had forgotten all about my sore leg.

I remember the last time I saw her. My sister and I had just spent the night there. The night before we had played an exciting game of hearts with my grandparents, my aunt, and my cousins. The next morning when we left, I hugged grandpa, and then I hugged grandma. And then we left. That was it. I don't even remember if I told her that I loved her, that last time I saw her. I just assumed that I would see her again. But it's over. She took her oxygen mask off that night in the living room, and that's where my grandpa found her the next morning. She was gone......

Aww man, I don't want to start crying again. I should just go now.

Amazing Phil

I stayed up til 2 last night. I felt so crappy I needed to watch some AmazingPhil videos on youtube to cheer me up. He's a great videoblogger, and I'd recommend watching his episodes to anyone. And everyone.

The thing is, I just realized that he looked a lot like Richard back when he didn't dye his hair black, which is kind of weird, since I have a strange kind of crush on this Phil guy. He's funny and cute and from what I can see, he's a great guy. I've watched almost all his videos dating back to three years ago when he had just started. There's so much boy drama in my life. So I pretend I have a relationship with Phil. It's my way of coping.

In a few days I'm going to go to Prescott Pines Camp to work for the rest of the summer. I'm nervous. I'll be with Marie. But I don't know anyone else up there. Well, I know someone else, but apparently he's some perve. But I'm going to ignore those rumors for now. The people who warned me to stay away from him have all abandoned me, so why should I believe anything they say? Exactly.

I hate school. It hasn't even started yet and I'm already dreading it. Sigh...I don't want to elaborate.

There's so much to say, but I don't feel like talking anymore. Goodbye.

I'll Be Thinking Of You

What has this friendship become?

A passing glance. A shy hello.

Now my heart is melting like the snow.

But I know that wherever I go,

I'll be thinking of you.

Sigh....I didn't write that. Matt did.

But I still mean every word of it.....

Sleep Over

Well, I got my guitar! My dad was being super generous yesterday, and just bought me one out of the blue! We aren't rich or anything, but he decided to buy me one. But my guess is, that it's an early Christmas present haha....

Last night I went to a sleepover at a friend's house. There were four of us.

We watched movies and did our nails and ate some real junk food. We watched The Sixth Sense and New Moon. I had already seen both of them before, but it's more fun when you're with your friends.

The thing with The Sixth Sense is that.....I'm not scared of dead people. They aren't here. But the other things that are here that we can't see are just as frightening.....The things that get in your head.......And tell you lies.......And then try to convince you that those thoughts are your own......It's those kinds of things that I'm afraid of......A puking girl appearing in your makeshift tent is nothing compared to reality.

On a lighter note, New Moon was just as awful as the first time. Although, I must admit, Taylor Lautner is a good actor. And totally hot. He has a six pack. And what does Edward have? Nothing. His six pack is airbrushed on. Don't believe me? Just watch it, and you'll soon see that not only is his bod painted on, but that his chest has a bunch of stubble. Eww......Come on, Edward is supposed to be a hunk......

I miss working at Vacation Bible School so much already. It was only last week, and I'm already sad. We are going to go to another town and do VBS there, which is a comfort to me. I hope that it goes as well as it did last year. Sigh.....yeah, I really hope that.

At the sleep over we slept in a tent in the front yard, because Sarah had never been camping before. Does that count as camping? Yeah, I'm not so sure either. But it was fun, and that's all that matters right?

Ok, wrap your head around this. A cup with tons of Mint Chocolate Chip icecream inside, smothered in hard shell chocolate, with a chocolate heart on it, filled with Martinelli's. What would you call that? Maybe a MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP CHOCOLATEY MARTINELLI'S ICE CREAM FLOAT. In a cup. Ugh.....I ate that? I don't think I ever want to eat again. And Sarah added Tabasco sauce to hers. That has to be a sin. The eleventh commandment or something.....

*yawn. I'm feeling kinda tired. Not as tired as I usually am, but still.....Just because I feel more awake when I stay up most the night doesn't mean I feel awake.

Sarah says that in the few hours of sleep we had, that I talked in my sleep. Which is both scary and embarassing. She said that I said something about the speed of something or.......something. Give me a break, my mind doesn't work right when I'm awake, why should it work right when I'm asleep?

I haven't seen my youth group friends in two whole days. It makes me feel sad. I want to see them. Sigh.....

Ha, so that's how the sleepover went.

So without further ado.....

Let the sewing begin!! (Inside joke) ;-)

Get Away From Me

Everything I do is always done better by you.

Everything I say is always put more eloquently by you.

Everyone I love, loves you more than they love me.

Everything you say to me is meant to be demeaning.

Everytime I cry, you just sit and watch.

Everytime I curse, you act utterly shocked.

Everytime I'm happy, you crush my hopes and dreams.

So get away from me.

I said get away from me!!

Random things happening in my life

Sometimes I wonder how I'm going to get through my next school year. I barely made it last year. I have a feeling that this is going to be my last summer. I know that sounds really pathetic and sad, but that's the truth. Probably. I'll have to wait and see.

Vacation Bible School was this past week. I really loved it. I found that I love kids more than I thought. I led the really little ones from class to class, and always had one cradled in my arms or sitting in my lap. But the week ended and now I am missing them so much already. I didn't even get to say goodbye....

I found out that I have a reader, and I hope it doesn't mean I'll be shy when I write in my blog. I don't want to feel like I have to watch what I say. But I don't think I should worry about it. Just let my mind drift and my heart talk, right? ;-)

My diary is almost all filled up. I've had it for about 14 weeks. It didn't turn out as I had hoped it would. It was given to me to write about happiness and light and God's love. But most entries came out as a cry for help. I turned it into crap. Same as I turn everything else in to. And when it's all filled up, what then? Will I continue writing notebooks full of depressing thoughts or will I just stop writing and see if I explode? Because it's not like he's going to give me another diary to ruin......

I keep having nightmares. Last night I had one that I was on a ship that was burning. I was choking on smoke and I remember being on fire and screaming. It hurt so much. How is that possible? That I feel pain from something that is only happening in my mind? I wake up from these nightmares more exhausted than when I went to bed. I actually felt more awake when I stayed up all night.

I'm scared of falling asleep. I wonder what tonight's nightmare will be. I hope I wake up in a cold sweat before the nightmare gets too graphic.....

I just watched a movie called The Young Victoria. That's why I put that picture up at the top, in case you wondering. There was a man in it called Prince Albert. He was handsome and respectful and he could play the piano beautifully.

I've decided to rename my piano to Prince Albert.

So....well, I think that's all I have to say.