Get Away From Me

Everything I do is always done better by you.

Everything I say is always put more eloquently by you.

Everyone I love, loves you more than they love me.

Everything you say to me is meant to be demeaning.

Everytime I cry, you just sit and watch.

Everytime I curse, you act utterly shocked.

Everytime I'm happy, you crush my hopes and dreams.

So get away from me.

I said get away from me!!

Random things happening in my life

Sometimes I wonder how I'm going to get through my next school year. I barely made it last year. I have a feeling that this is going to be my last summer. I know that sounds really pathetic and sad, but that's the truth. Probably. I'll have to wait and see.

Vacation Bible School was this past week. I really loved it. I found that I love kids more than I thought. I led the really little ones from class to class, and always had one cradled in my arms or sitting in my lap. But the week ended and now I am missing them so much already. I didn't even get to say goodbye....

I found out that I have a reader, and I hope it doesn't mean I'll be shy when I write in my blog. I don't want to feel like I have to watch what I say. But I don't think I should worry about it. Just let my mind drift and my heart talk, right? ;-)

My diary is almost all filled up. I've had it for about 14 weeks. It didn't turn out as I had hoped it would. It was given to me to write about happiness and light and God's love. But most entries came out as a cry for help. I turned it into crap. Same as I turn everything else in to. And when it's all filled up, what then? Will I continue writing notebooks full of depressing thoughts or will I just stop writing and see if I explode? Because it's not like he's going to give me another diary to ruin......

I keep having nightmares. Last night I had one that I was on a ship that was burning. I was choking on smoke and I remember being on fire and screaming. It hurt so much. How is that possible? That I feel pain from something that is only happening in my mind? I wake up from these nightmares more exhausted than when I went to bed. I actually felt more awake when I stayed up all night.

I'm scared of falling asleep. I wonder what tonight's nightmare will be. I hope I wake up in a cold sweat before the nightmare gets too graphic.....

I just watched a movie called The Young Victoria. That's why I put that picture up at the top, in case you wondering. There was a man in it called Prince Albert. He was handsome and respectful and he could play the piano beautifully.

I've decided to rename my piano to Prince Albert.

So....well, I think that's all I have to say.

My Forgotten Diary

I forgot my diary at home today.
So I guess blogging will have to suffice.
There's a story behind my diary. It was given to me by a friend.
You see, I showed him my whole diary, which had really sad, disturbing things in it.
So he took it and destroyed it and gave me a new one.
It is very special to me.
And I forgot it today.
Sigh....

Sweet Sixteen

Today's my birthday. And as you have probably already concluded, I am sixteen.
You know, I was expecting my birthday to be a little bit more....happy? I don't know. I've just been in a rotten mood. My best friend thinks our friendship is sinking, and this horny guy hit on me, which made me mad. I also hate it how my buddy didn't text me back. It's my birthday, and he just totally stopped talking to me.

Also, I can't drive.

No car for my sweet sixteen.

And when I say I can't drive, I literally mean I can't drive. I almost killed me and my mom on my first drive on the highway. She screams really loud. We didn't crash, but yeah. It really bites.

I wanted an acoustic guitar for my birthday. Guess who didn't get one. But it's all good. I got a digital camera. Kinda wish I could have gotten a real camera so I can make good youtube videos in high quality and....stuff. I'm not exactly what you would call a "techy". I just got a blog because I've watched Julie and Julia too many times, and I want to be famous in internet world.

"Keep dreaming" right?
I don't even have any readers.

ZIP

I'm just writing out into an empty void.
It's my birthday, and no one on the internet cares!!
(WARNING: I MIGHT START BAWLING)
Just kidding, but yeah. I need some readers.
"Keep dreaming"

So yeah, here I am. Sixteen.
It feels the same as being fifteen.
I don't get the significance.....

Starting Over

Here I am. I'm sitting here in French class, eating crepes and listening to Edith Piaf's voice filter through the room. Here I am. I'm smiling. And I'm wearing pink. Ha. Never thought I'd see this day. But the truth is, I am happy. These past few months of my personal Hell are over. I finally see that God loves me, and that I am in his arms. That I am safe, and that Satan has no power over me. Here I am. Satan tries to pull me back, but I know better now then to listen to his lies. Ha...I don't even want to think about who I was. I just want to be who I am now, and who I will be. Nothing else. Here I am. I'm starting over.

Hurricane

I love it.

There's a hurricane outside. Well, for an Arizonan like me, it sure seems like a hurricane. The palms are swaying violently. The rain comes down like icy daggers. And the wind is rattling the door, like an unwanted visitor begging to be let inside. I'm completely drenched.

I love it.

I took my glasses off and put them in my jacket pocket to keep them safely away from the angry raindrops. And then I looked up to the sky, standing in the midst of the tempest. My hair was blown about, and the rain pierced through my clothes.

I love it.

It makes me think of the movie The Notebook. How I love that part, when they are both standing in the rain, in eachother's embrace. How I wish I had someone else. But no, here I'm standing in the rain by myself. Alone.

I hate it.

Red

This past weekend I went to the Rage Music Festival. It's a christian rock and roll festival that goes on for two days, with twenty-five bands, on two stages. I got to see my favorite band, Red, there. Sometimes my friends make fun of me for liking them, because their songs are kinda emo (well, ok. They're really emo). But that's why I like them. Because I know exactly what that guy is talking about when he talks about the struggles and the pain of life. I know exactly what he's talking about. I'm living it. And when I listen to those songs, I feel so much better, knowing that I'm not the only one who feels this way. That I'm not the only one who's fighting inside. I listen to them everyday, when I sit against the wall at school looking up at the overcast sky, and when I feel so alone in my pain that I think I'm going to fall apart, I know that I'm not the only one feeling this. That I'm not alone. They are my heroes.